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Second Wave of U.S. Electronic Travel Ban To Be Announced
We Need to Ban Together
Early Tuesday morning, our Administration rolled out its newest restriction on Middle East travel. According to the New York Times, electronics larger than a smartphone are banned from carry-ons and, subsequently, any US-bound flights.  The BBC reports that the 10 affected airports are located in Morocco, Turkey, Egypt, Jordan, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Qatar, and United Arab Emirates. With only 96 hours to implement changes, affected airlines were left scrambling.
This appears to the first wave of many restrictions to come. Let’s Fly Cheaper is here to provide some leaked information regarding the second wave of travel restrictions.
There is a relief for those who hate putting their shoes back on after going through security. Soon, shoes will be required to be stored away after going through security. They must remain away until you have left the plane.
Remember when George W. Bush had shoes thrown at him? You may have forgotten about it, but Department of Homeland Security sure hasn’t. Our confidential source has noted the fiasco as an example of how shoes can be a threat to safety.
Business class and first class flyers need not worry; most airlines will be providing hospital-grade paper booties to their elite flyers. For those who like to take extra precautions, pack your shoes in your checked luggage and go barefoot for the day.
All food and beverages
In case you were concerned about smelly foods being brought into the cabin, rest assured that they are now banned…as well as all other food and drink.
Exceptions to this rule are $15 sealed water bottles available for sale throughout the airports. Crackers will be acceptable to board with, on the condition they are unsalted. Salt has been considered a high risk for its ability to temporarily blind anyone who gets it in their eye. The political climate has left no room for chances.
Opaque Carry-on Bags
Our Administration is seeking transparency of incoming travelers. Only naturally, the next step is to assure that their bags are transparent as well. This will allow for onlookers to be able to see any sort of weapons you may have… or what tabloid magazines you bought to pass time on your 14-hour-electronic-free flight.
One of the biggest reliefs of the initial travel ban was that smartphones would not be included. Your phone will still be protected under the new wave of restrictions under one condition: you give up any passcode in place. Skeptics question this logic considering phones would not be connected to networks.
An anonymous crew member of an affected airline explained, “If someone is a threat, we need to document the incident with the highest technology available. Naturally, I would borrow someone’s phone with the highest image resolution. My iPhone 4 is just not going to cut it.” Regulation regarding immediately changing one’s passcode has yet to be finalized.
Among entering security at any of the targeted airports, one must submit a newly required form of identification, as well as a letter of recommendation.
TSA and DHS want your trip to be as easy as possible. Unlikely your passport, which can easily be forgotten or stolen, the DHS will now require an easy-to-use form of identification. This method is readily available to everyone and will require no forms or fees to acquire. Simply donate a piece of hair for TSA to document your DNA profile. Some persons may have an objection to this type of identification. In lieu of hair, travelers may leave a blood sample. A private room to donate a sample will be available upon request.
The second wave of limitations may include how often you leave your seat. Passengers will be allotted only one bathroom trip. All flyers must be escorted by a crew member. Final details on the regulation of in-flight showers have yet to be released.
When flying, it’s not unlikely that someone asks to switch seats to be with friends or family. This will no longer be an issue as parties will not be allowed to sit together. Airline crews will be in charge of playing musical chairs to make sure no one is in direct contact with any family, friend, colleague, or otherwise. Instead, you are suggested to listen to the life story of a completely stranger who will probably ask if they can have your unsalted crackers.
The Future is Here
We look forward to seeing what other liberties flyers will have to give up in order to visit the Land of The Free. There is hope for the advancement for the TSA and DHS. Technology might make the invasion of privacy even easier. Sony, Google, and Samsung have all filed patents for camera-enabled contact lenses. According to our sources, DHS is first in line to pre-order these devices as soon as they become available. In addition, rumors of iris scanners are floating about, but have yet to be confirmed.
Not all things will change; some rules and regulations will remain. Travelers will still be allowed to bring guns, ammo, gas masks, cross bows, and heavily duct-taped packages in their checked baggage.
If you’re concerned about the upcoming changes, don’t be, as they are 100% fictional. “We meant this piece to be purely satirical. The way we travel is changing every day. We thought we’d create a dystopian travel world,” stated James Nelson, Let’s Fly Cheaper’s VP of Sales. “This is not meant to be political-charged. Rather, we hope you enjoy this post for exactly what it is: entertainment.”